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You all remember Elmer Fud? (But, of course, you do! Who doesn't love this adorable hunter from "Bugs Bunny?") Well, these days I often feel like Elmer. I'll tell you, do dogs and cats to chase them around after we moved in here last year, the rabbits stared multiplying like crazy! Did you know that one pair of cottontails can have 36 offsprings in just a single season?! And those offsprings mature quite quickly, and it's geometric proportion from there... The drought isn't helping much either, not much for them to eat "out there," I thought the dog fence would stop them, I thought a $5,000 6' cedar fence would stop them, I thought the rocks would stop them, I thought the rabbit guards would stop them, I thought garlic sprays on plants would stop them, I thought gladioluses and other plants poisonous to them would stop them, but no, nothing stops them and they keep digging, jumping and crawling their way in an attempt to eat anything and everything "in here!"

I was getting desperate at this point, but continued to look for more ways to control these little cute pests. Books, articles, forums... then a news brief from California caught my attention. Apparently, some people where using rat poison to poison these little rodents (I know, they really are not). This article, actually, focused on a group of people protesting such rabbit massacres in Orange County. The Greenpeacenicks had an obvious problem with this, and the county gave in and asked the golf course to stop doing it, please! Hmm, I thought, this must be the solution I have been looking for all this time. So I researched the various poisons that can be used to kill these bastards. There were 3 that fit the bill...

Turns out that rabbits are like the #1 enemy of the antipodes, so the governments of Australia and New Zealand waste no time and spare no expense dealing with the critters. They are not sissies down there, I tell you. Three different poisons have been used extensively in controlling rabbits in the lands down under. Results and modes of operation of the three chemicals have been documented at length... unfortunately, only one of them (the one that makes the poor creatures hemorrhage and suffer for a week before dying) is still sold in the US. Of course, it is not labeled for use in controlling rabbits, but is the one chemical that was used on Orange County golf courses. Another chemical (apparently the most effective) is manufactured by a single outfit in Alabama and is sold only to customers outside the country.

After going over some insane scenarios of poisoning the rabbits, along with the neighbor's dogs and kids, G-d forbid, I realize that this idea hit the dead end. My last attempt to regain my freedom from rabbit invaders came in the form of a SOS call to the local Department of Agriculture. These nice folks verified what I though already knew: ''The only thing you can do is shoot them or catch them using a live trap and kill them. You can also release them, but only if you have permission from the owner of the property where you plan to release them and a permit from the division of wildlife.'' ''So, why would I want to first catch them and then kill them, if I can just shoot them,'' I wondered? ''Well, not everybody is such a great shot and some people actually live within city limits, so they are not allowed to use their gun to dispose of rabbits any more so than of their neighbors.'' ''Ok, ok, but what about the poisons, can't I just get some poisons from you? And besides Department of Wildlife website says that it is not going to be rabbit season until October, so how can I shoot the boogers? Will they not come for me?'' I asked in obvious desperation. ''I am sorry, this is all the information we have, but you may want to call the Department of Wildlife. Here is the name and number of the fellow that put together this note for us. We are told to refer all of you with more questions on rabbits directly to him.''

So, I called the guy at the Colorado Wildlife Management, my last resort, my final chance for salvation. Here is exactly what he said: ''Although cottontail rabbits are out of season for hunting we have an article and an addendum that allow their control as pests at all other times of the year. Furthermore, we have no shortage of cottontails around here, so I would rather that you just shoot them, but if you insist on catching them and finds anyone who would take them on their property, we could work on a permit for you. BTW, you can not use larger than a .22.''

With this verdict and a death warrant in hand, Elmer Fud (aka Jake) headed out to the nearest Wal-Mart to purchase the ultimate pest control weapon. Turned out, this was one of those Wal-Marts that stopped carrying real guns several months before, yielding to pressure from the gun control folks, but they still head some nice air-based pellet guns, toys that a salesman in the sports department said could do a good job on the rabbits. So, I got the nicest one I could afford (which means that it doesn't use CO2 cartridges and I have to pump it by hand, instead) and headed straight back home to take care of my little problem.

My new toy came with a cheap little scope, an optical sight that you could mount for added shooting accuracy. If you have ever sited a gun, you probably know that this takes a lot of time, experience and a special setup to do it right. Time that I did not want to waste, experience that I did not have and the special setup that I didn't even know about, until a friend told me about it later (read on). So without further adieu, I glanced over the safety and usage instructions unlocked the trigger key and headed out for a hunt. I was finally ready to fulfill my humanitarian mission of preserving our food supply for future generations of man and beast...

My first hunt actually went quite well. I got 4 rabbits that night and was quite pleased with myself. You see, I have never hunted anything in my life and have always thought that hunters were a special breed of especially cruel and very sick bloodthirsty dimwits at best, and at worst, well, let's just forget about ''the worst''... So, the last time I held a loaded gun in my hands was at a shooting range, when I was still a kid living in Kiev, and believe me, I have not been a kid for many, many, many years. Yes, I was a pretty good shot back then, but time passes, old age sets in and your hands start to shake. Ok, ok, I really am not that old, but still I was all proud of myself!

The next day I had a friend from Minnesota coming to visit. He was taking his summer vacation with his kid, touring the US in his Winnebago and making a stop at the farm, our farm, no wait,... my farm! Jeff and I have been mostly out of touch recently, but boy, was I ever happy to see him! His always happy and smiling face - oh, this man is the epitome of carefree - never shows a sign of stress. Nothing ever seems to bother him, get under his skin, like it would any other human being. If I didn't know any better, I would think Jeff is The Dali Lama! But this story is not about Jeff (although I'll have to tell you more about him another time, it is about the Rabbit Horde and my struggle to diminuate it. Nevertheless, with Jeff and Josh gracing us with their short presence, I kept the gun in the closet and rabbits, well rabbits had a field day - a whole three field days, to be exact!

I waited patiently to retaliate and on the very next day, after the guests left, I got out that gun and did some shooting. I got three rabbits that day, but most importantly I got their gang leader, the larger dominant female cottontail that developed infiltration techniques, demonstrated secret paths and even told others which of my flowers tasted best! I felt a bit relieved when I did my rounds the following day - my grounds had sustained only minimal rabbit damage through the night. Yet, it was too early to get my guards down and, so I called Alex...

My good friend (and for over a decade now also a relative - he married my cousin) ex-reserve policeman Alex, came with all that super modern laser equipment that helps you sight a gun. For a backup, he also brought his legal ''assault weapon'' with him, a converted German semi-automatic, retired from a South American army, but Alex and his guns, is yet again, another story. Several hours later on this 100 degree toasty Colorado day, he had installed the scope and optically sighted my beautiful shiny pellet gun. I tried taking a few shots at the target 25 ft away - bulls eye, every time! Now, I am ready for you pesky little rats: rabbits, squirrels, whatever you are. Watch out, because here comes your ultimate enemy, here comes the new Elmer Fud!